Anthony Blair, Captain of School


by an Old Boy [John Morrison].  £9.99.  ISBN 0-9550276-0-8


This book is written and illustrated in the style of a schoolboy’s adventure, and tells the story of how young Anthony Blair arrives as a new boy at St Steven’s College, and details his progress until by dint of a winning smile, an agreeable personality, and an ability to lie convincingly, he finally becomes school captain.


In this allegorical tale St Steven’s (Britain) is run by a Dr Bush, who has a direct line to God and is always quoting scripture. Anthony soon finds a chum in Brown, a clever scholarship boy.  The friendship seems warm at first, but cools as the years go by.  There is young Mandelson, whose great ambition is to be Blair’s toast fag, and to spy for him, there is the rich Maxwell, whose hamper is always full and who will share when there is some advantage in it, there is Matron Boothroyd, and there is Smith, the House captain who is tragically killed while trying to save two women by stopping a runaway horse – an heroic act witnessed by Blair and for which he successfully claims the credit after Smith’s death.


You get the sort of thing.  Anthony Blair is portrayed as a charmer who always neatly bends the truth to suit his purpose, who succeeds well with Dr Bush and anyone else in authority, who genuinely feels he is never to blame when things go badly wrong, as in the bloody fight at the end of the book [Iraq].  (In describing the battle Morrison is surprisingly tough on the Lib Dems.  He makes young Kennedy out to be an enthusiastic participant who is finally killed by ‘friendly fire’.  Whereas in the real world the Lib Dems, led by Kennedy, voted en bloc against the Iraq war.  Whoever Morrison votes for – my guess he is an angry Labour voter – it won’t be for the Lib Dems.)


After the battle, the book departs from its allegorical role.  Anthony Blair, despite his protestations, is found guilty and sentenced.  But our hero escapes justice and becomes a missionary.  In what may be more wish fulfilment on the part of the author than a genuine attempt to predict the real Anthony Blair’s uncertain future, young Blair picks the wrong island, and is eaten by cannibals.